straightjacket and stardust

Thursday, May 13, 2010

why, why. my 700th post in this blog. 700 moments to note down thoughts in 5 years. its been amazing, has it not?

anyhoo, i am now just typing away quietly as the room remain half-packed. everything quite higgledy-piggledy. i have loads and loads to do between now and saturday when things get carted off for good. how does one pack 5 years (more or less) worth of things in two days, now? its insane.

anyways. as the drama from actual finishing of undergraduate studies taper off and there is a sinking feeling of manifold responsibilities prior to the home journey, i am left with this weird feeling. did we have it easy? im just tossing this into the wind plainly because im watching my counterparts in penang still struggling for their final lap. some other friends from other universities in other countries having that little bit left. they all seem to be riled up in all things medical, seem immersed in the many ins and outs of these mother of all finals. seem to understand so much more than what i believed i understood just moments before my exams.

but then i think again. it wasn't easy. none of it was. yes, so perhaps we only had long cases, but it wasn't easy doing final med data papers in res year, when one knew virtually nothing. it was not fun to stay on in this country till the end of june trying our hardest, with multiple exams, and surviving all of it unscathed when others have frolicked in the sun for most of may. it was not at all okay to be at your wits end, barely surviving, nearly breaking down, when you had to believe that you knew enough to show you knew enough in your 20 minutes with your examiner. that was the challenge. it felt like death. it felt so difficult to get here. all five years of it. yes it was fun, and we're overseas, and we get nice shopping and healthy allowances, and we seem to live fantasy lives in gorgeous well-photoshopped pictures. yes, we meet friends we'd keep for life and the man we want to marry. but yes, it was also very humblingly difficult.

so im standing my ground against my admittedly unfounded moment of self-doubt. i had the same medicine-filled ruminations as the rest of them. i had a difficult time, suffered, similar to the likes of them. i also understood. i understood exactly what i needed to understand in those moments before those exams. so yes,i deserve this.

i deserve to be dr fatin hanisah firman.

ps - mind the fact that the post reeks of bitterness! hehe it was only my musings against my overtly imaginative mind :)

<3 <3 <3

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