straightjacket and stardust

Monday, March 24, 2008

the photo i was looking at was dated aug 2005, a few short weeks before i left malaysia for dublin for the first time. it was taken by a friend (story behind this closely related to later parts of this entry) who with the skills any camwhore could be proud of, managed to take a picture of the two of us with me looking like a deer caught in headlights. mind, this picture was taken almost 3 whole years ago, myself looking about the same size. much paler, oddly. my forehead less tense, and teeth somehow whiter (though that could possibly be attributed to the superbright flash). i know im more or less rambling in my description here but the point was, i looked up for just a split second and saw the exact expression in my reflection in the mirror by the bed.

as it has been, there is no concrete point this incident. it just spurred me to reflect on how much has changed and how, since then. it has been three, long, mostly unhappy but definitely progressive years since then, and it would be a shame not to stop and look back for a sec.

ironic thing is the deer expression. i can't believe that stayed.

and second, unrelated point to this entry is savvy to the text messages i received from a completely random stranger, and to aforementioned photo. it reflected on whether we had expectations on who we pick in a partner. who qualifies and who doesn't. where do we draw the line when it comes to who we like and how that fits with our preconceived notions of what the future would be like for us?

i know we all possess predetermined ideals and ideas on how that man should be. whether it's our own education/intellectual progress justifying the social doctrine on whether the man ought to be superior in this aspect. or the kind of standards our fathers have unintentionally conveyed to us from his everyday dealings as the patriarch. or our mothers' indirect expectations and under-the-breath commentaries on which guy would do and which one wouldn't. maybe its just us, and our experiences in our past relationships and dealings with the opposite sex that made us decide on who is mr right or wrong.

so how big a part does feelings play in deciding on aforementioned partner? how do you outweigh strong attractions towards another person versus the kind of person he would be in terms of ticking the right boxes and being the ideal partner, and especially, the ideal partner to show the world?

so does this decision stem from a personal standpoint, or does the world actually decide the demise of mr not-yet-right-or-wrong?

just a question. not really an issue at present, but just a thought, i guess. to the many who are married/in a stable relationship who have eyebrows unintentionally raised over this issue, congratulations on having found the one hopefully without this pseudo-dilemma, but do believe that it does happen, and do worry slightly should it ever happen to a much loved sister, friend, cousin, etc.

im making it sound like its personal. but i guess these are questions inside all of us, regardless of whether it applies to ourselves.

hmm.

<3 <3 <3

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