after much fun spending the day on retail therapy and lunch with friends both staying and leaving, i realized right now, on the bed, notes and college stuff all done and myself eagerly waiting to sleep, that what i liked most were the three silly, girly books i bought today.
somehow they aren't as empty as they may seem. yes, i might have replaced a frank mccourt on the shelves promising myself that i'll return for it within less than three weeks, but i also believed that i did the right thing. chose the right books. neither seem to sound right or justified, so hear me out.
the responses i got from someone who knew that i bought these books, and had seen me doing so has sent me spiraling into my usual realm of thoughts. one thing of note, he reacted positively to aforementioned book. what i did subsequently was held the book in my hands, read the epilogue, read several random pages and skipped several pages and then read some more, and decided that i wasn't ready.
i found some passages in the book hilarious. i laughed at the relevance, and the clarity. i cringed at what sound advice i read in those few pages. and wanted more than anything to not read on.
the book has a lot to do with breaking-up. it was from an author i've always loved, so it was very difficult to not want to finish it. i think it's difficult enough having to part ways with someone you're in a relationship with, but i think what im finding difficult is parting ways with a best friend. call it dependence, call it what you may, but at the end of the day if you can connect with someone, you just can.
i agree that sometimes if you really care about someone, you glaze over the flaws and the carnage because you want so badly to believe in the good. sometimes you just don't realize you're doing it, you're just in denial over every stop sign that comes your way. at least for me thats how it goes. i have on occasion, stopped and realized that i'm defending something that i don't know how to. or that whatever im saying sounds ridiculous to anyone who's listening to me, but thankfully that day i was with two wonderful girls who nodded and smiled despite probably being as convinced as i was about how fruitless that attempt at defence was.
but here i am sitting here thinking to myself that i wasn't ready. but i know i will be. and i know that buying that book was a step. getting two other irrelevant books showed me the wonders of that wonderful bookstore and has resulted in a promise to self to start reading again. buying that other book for the ma & sis reminded me of everything else i have going for me, and to realize that this is a difficult time, but there are so many things to live for that maybe there isn't that much time to be here, being introspective. being retrospective.
just like spending the day with a few good friends, and deciding to go up to people and have a chat, instead of spending time alone at home or in bed letting the feelings ebb and flow. i've decided that i should keep away from negative influences, or at least keep them at arms length up till the point when they leave me for good. and that its okay to read a book on something that makes your feet tingle (the last book) even though it contradicts everything your piling up in your armory, simply because its a good book. even if its a chick book.
and as that ad for H2OH goes, it's been a good day. by the book, it is.
