straightjacket and stardust

Sunday, March 02, 2008

i can't go on pretending that life's just full of sunshine when it isn't. and everyone is aware that it isn't going to be for me, or a few choice classmates, and won't be for a long time after this week.

it isn't simple, but its not that difficult to understand either. it's like losing a part of who i've known myself to be. there are just two people in my life right now who i can be 100% comfortable with, and who understands me: hijaz and mak, and having both of them far away (not losing them) is what's in my mind of late.

it doesn't matter what the complications are, what the situation is, what anyone has said or rather obviously, done, in terms of how i feel when the inevitable happens. im still losing something major. i know it makes me weak but i am not like other people that way, perhaps. life moves on and i will still make it in one piece, but im not about to deny the fact that i will be going through a tough time.

i am penuh perasaan. i am passionate. i am emo. i am trying to not make myself sound condescending or self-righteous in this entry, i really am. i am trying to state how i feel. not to justify anything. not for any specific intent. i just want to let it out.

and i know my friends who are leaving for PMC are most certainly not dying, and that i do have 3 months before i return, and its not going to be that big a deal. and they haven't even left as i type this entry. they are still here, with me, alive, breathing, and all preparing. perhaps even going through some of the feelings im experiencing.

no two people will respond the same way to this. i don't think its wrong for me to feel this strongly about this. this doesnt make me any better or worse than others. this just makes me, me. flawed, sensitive, whatever you make of me.

it makes everything that anyone does now okay. because all i can see is the bigger picture. friends leaving. loved ones leaving. life as we have known it to be will change. i read it in sarah m's blog. in jeem's blog. i see it in gbam&tina and in korom&sarah w. maybe even in karim&dhina or napit&mamai. like i said, it's not the same between all these people, and im not saying its the same for me either.

anyone who has admitted to have ever been in love can attest to the fact that it's okay to feel. tak pernah lagi ada orang yg berjaya menimbulkan rasa bersalah dalam diri ini kerana mempunyai perasaan. push away and deny what you will. if you refuse, then you're only depriving yourself of the greatest things in life. what's the point of love if not to enjoy. if you haven't felt love 100%, to me you haven't really lived.

anyways, point being. everything max, to the point of moderation. haha okay that's contradictory. point being, feel! do! explore! want! need! but at the end of the day, have a head on your shoulders and live.

<3 <3 <3

13:21