straightjacket and stardust

Sunday, October 28, 2007

there's nothing quite like being in the mood for being introspective. when your so deep in thought that you don't realize that you've just downed a bottle of plain water, then realize that no one else but oneself could truly appreciate how amusing that act is no matter how you word it. or that you have the urge to spew a lot of thoughts and details; because you know that if you don't, you'd never start to work on the piles of handouts you've got all spread out in front of you.

there's something to be said about being clueless about how to deal with people, and having so many people to deal with. it comes to a point when faces drift through your mind and you have no clue how to react to that. isnt it strange to have to deal with immaterial beings forming little conflicts in your head? but sometimes one must persist. im still figuring out how to get out of this one.

on a more reality-filled note, i think i might give up singing on stage. and also competitive sport. this is probably oh-so-temporary, but i dont have that much faith in either at the moment. its screwed and sad to be constantly needing encouragement for everything but i am clearly not motivated, hence failing to encourage myself.

hence the outcome of said introspective event:

i am now, i believe, the by-product of a high school bimbo who only started to exist in form one. who used to amuse her mother so by walking home with guys after school, more due to the variety than of the act itself. who used to stay late in school and hang out with her guy best friend (in retrospect, we both had feelings for each other).

who at 16, for the very first time, liked a guy who didn't like her back. a girl who always somehow lands herself in little pits when failing to understand the intricacies of a new kind of living (aka boarding school). who at 17, wanted to do everything, and did. who never was a part of a clique(and probably will never ever be).

a girl who rarely falls, but when she does, falls down and hard. who has the most attentive set of parents anyone can ask for. who believes that being 19 was the most difficult age to be. who lives life strange, and imperviously, only because that's how she grew up. who adapts, but has difficulty. who's objective, but undoubtedly somewhat emotional.

so there is absolutely no reason to feel weird about feeling this way. i am, was, probably would always be, in indeterminate proportions, a bimbo. an airhead. a girl who wants everything, and feels threatened when she doesnt (im refraining from using the word can't). no medical degree, living on my own in a foreign country, or learning of other people's somewhat different lives can change that. it is the core of my being.

but things are also different, and i wouldn't want to elaborate on how. i am where i am by choice, and im aware of that. it isn't easy being an in-between but at the end of the day, im the one who has to live with that, and perhaps someday it will be as amusing as gulping down a bottle of plain water (and no, i haven't gone to pee yet).

someday. yelah.

<3 <3 <3

20:03