Saturday, September 22, 2007
the day is quiet and it is morning. it was all ridden in sins. the breakup song for me today is foo fighter's virginia moon. the house sounds so quiet and empty but even emptier is this feeling inside me.a physical pit in my stomach. and the now more rapid urges to let go and cry.i dont even know if breakup songs are meant to soothe or sear the pain. i cant tell, really. i am desperately in need of a excuse to validate my actions and feelings. and thoughts. on my wall is a piece of paper, on it written with blue marker pen: "maturity: doing the right thing vs something you really, really want to."perhaps im pining for some resilience and some feelings of worthiness over what i have been saying and what has been said vs the truth. its bad enough that no one understands the reality. but ultimately what everyone else thinks does not matter. i know what it is. sudeh.i can sit and do nothing and suddenly that feeling rushes in and overwhelmes me. i feel lost. i feel like i have to be someplace else. definitely not this house and its many memories. definitely not THAT hse and the many more memories. just someplace else. and definitely not alone either. my inner monologues are killing me softly.the only way i know to make things right is now no longer an option. i have to learn to stop, but im in the midst of moving to a new house and sharing a room with someone i dont really know that well and starting a new chapter of my life. and then there's the break-up. things are fragile as it is, without having to add significant emotional upheaval. in any case i shouldnt feel sorry about what happened. break-ups aren't meant to be clean. we did the best we could. and fuck others' expectations. i am not here to satisfy the world. and now, a half-hour later, the breakup song is madonna's beautiful stranger.
<3 <3 <3
09:40
