Friday, February 16, 2007
right now i feel like im not being very honest with myself
it's hard to sometimes because honesty isnt always positive.
being honest means exposing flaws, and perhaps im afraid of that.
but i have to start somewhere,
so today im laying the layers out.
just because.
i havent a clue where to start, to be honest.
okay.
sometimes i dont know if in in the right course. whether medicine what i want to do for the rest of my life.
i am afraid of my clinical years, mostly because there's so much i dont know about it.
i sometimes find it difficult to open up/communicate/convey my thoughts to people who are superior to me, or people who press expectations upon me.
i am really bad at telling people things upfront. i find it hard to say no.
i am in love with a man who doesn't love me back. i see him around all the time. i am and have always been in denial about the fact that he and i will NEVER EVER end up together and i cannot enunciate that fact more.
i am aware that there are men who are in love with me. here and in malaysia. it makes me feel bad. i feel guilty and evil because i know that i definitely dont love them back. at the same time i feel soooo rimas and stifled which restarts the guilty/evil cycle.
i am sometimes unsure of where to draw the line with my parents, namely when they treat me more as a fellow adult than their daughter.
i detest weakness. i am not a feminist per se but i detest fragility and dependence, like people who are blatantly unidimensional or those who manipulate 'innocence' to get what they want. women i look up to have always been strong and capable, which is what i would like to think i am. thenceforth i do not do
manja, or 'babytalk', or various other supergedik behaviours. i think that means im emotionally detached, which im comfortable with right now. id rather be a cold bitch (a lil harsh) than a whiney spineless little miss.
i am very, very sensitive. i need to get that in check.
i can never see the good things i have, and this is a real flaw. i am the penultimate pessimist. its always half empty.
i know my limits. it is never THE end of the world, no matter how horrible things are. i always know that, and i think thats positive.
i stick to my principles. be it my social behaviour or physical interactions. sometimes its a bad thing but without them anyone will be in pieces.
i have my imagination and its the greatest treasure God has given me.
i think thats a good sesh. honestly.
<3 <3 <3
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