Saturday, December 02, 2006
im facing a blank screen before me, hoping in hopes that all i have to say can be surmised in decent, readable, enjoyable entries.
im having a million thoughts in my head right now. a million thoughts just waiting to be organized, frenzied by the crisscrossing going on in my head.
as i was making lempeng pisang today, i finally learned the art of flipping with the pan. after several tries, i mastered the art, and that made me do a lil victory dance all by myself in the kitchen between the stove and the dinette, savouring my success and feeling wonderful for being young and not too mature to acknowledge that i can discover something that could fairly well make my day.
i realize that there is this new imagery apparent in online communities favoured by malaysians. there are these girls. malay. tudung-wearing. lawa. impeccable english. impeccable, not just speaking english but mastering it. jaga semayang. mostly um or uitm dwellers, some studying overseas. they associate with guys who primarily look like they dont associate with girls who are like these girls. etc etc. they are in abundance, and growing. it just concludes on my part that i ought to take sociology. i notice these patterns rather obviously. its scary.
im seriously pondering what to wear for next raya. honestly. im probably going to narrow it down to a few probable shades and see how it goes from there.
can people be less arsed-like? on one extreme there are beautiful, selfless, preserved, kind, considerate human beings and on the other hand there are people who i wouldn't want to even be associated with. fuck of u mad person.
i want to spend five minutes cleaning up my act. its about time, anyways, and plus, im kinda in the mood to be doing something rational instead of sticking my head in the sand. i am better than all this shite.
anyhoo. i had a few dreams last night. it began with one involving peter, for some weird reason. we were in a place that resembled glenomena, but isnt. i was talking to this guy who works for some weird irish security company, and then this guy leaves. then i met peter and we sat on this one-seater couch together. then i just sat there almost lying on his shoulder, my arm on his chest. and then all of a sudden he sat upright, points at something and exclaims loudly, and i was so terkejut that i woke up, feeling simultaneously miserable coz the dream was stupid, and frankly, so was i. what a ridiculous dream.
the second dream i had involved akmal from way back. i cant recall why he appeared, but i have to say, it was an interesting one. somehow in this dream i fell in love with him. we were there, with someone else i cant remember - must have been ekin or sureen. he wasn't like he is now, he looks a lil chubbier, a lil like he did those years ago. and we were just watching a game or something. there was this big khemah across from ours, with some royalty or something, and we were in the second biggest khemah. all i remembered was the feeling of falling in love with this guy. the hesistancy, the reciprocation, the holding of hands while sitting on the swing, and just the wholeness of it.
im now on MISSION 710. i want to find out exactly how many people i can eradicate, n im doing great progress so far. its just that the internet sux and ill probably get bored halfway through the task. but im going to narrow things down. no way do i have 710 friends.
this has proven to be an interesting activity. seeing all these people i havent seen in years has brought out a lot of memories, a lot of laughter, and evidently lots of cringe worthy moments.
i swore to say something about last night. hmm. last night was fun. it brought me to think and rethink about a lot of things, about how i perceive things and how people perceive me. a lot of it had to to with tommy's party. and oh, the incident with ash as well. what a way to end the term!
anyhoo the tommy thing just reminded me of how long i've been here. long enough to bring nostalgia, and that's pretty darn long. its been a year since a lot of things, and that seemed significant, even though he was probably too drunk and disorderly last night to remember the significance. what i like about tommy is what i like about him when he is sober. he's intelligent. amazing with words. attentive. muka tak malu. all the things he isnt when he's drunk. in a way im not chiding him for his habits, merely enunciating my preferences.
i just watched an episode of csi which gave me a feeling of melancholy, of thinking of days back in malaysia where the highlight of the day was being in front of the tv screen at 10 or 9.30 or 11 o watch csi, mak and i and akak on occasion. its brilliant.
anyways the winds are crazy strong, and i want to watch something before i sleep and so, goodnight.
xxxx
<3 <3 <3
23:13
