Tuesday, November 14, 2006
i am compelled to study apanish for the next two hours in the medical library, only so because i havent a clue what to do otherwise. if the test is today, i will be prepared. if it isnt today (which is probable), i would be frustrated, as per usual.
today was yuck. i suffered through a sudden onset of cold-like symptoms which persisted throughout mod tutorials, rendering me unable to think, much less concentrate on impending endo cal tests. thankfully, after difficult aspirin intakes and a nice warm sweater, i survived cals.
todays thoughts are about how i treat others. i was just thinking about how it was in smsj. for one thing, i was ignorant. life in high school was all about living the drama and not caring. at least that was what it was like for me. im sure its not all that different now, like. only much more mature challenges, and less things to be allowed to ignore.
one thing i like about living overseas is how much ii appreciate the smell of sambal. for one thing it is so much more apparent but at the same time, it smells so good. it makes every other smell pale (stale?) in comparison.
we have internet at home, though confined to the bottom of the stairs. i think that iis definitely better than nothing. i cant believe im imagining the sight of myself crouching at the corner typing away. and as of right now i already have aspirations of songs to download, a spanish movie in the works, and of course, much blogging and friendster capubing to be done. yess!
i find in funny that so many things you want you can get. i mean, there are obvious restrictions and everything, but impossibility is such a distant thing suddenly. im not stratifying perfection or how attainable it all is, but try. just fucking give it a try.
aiyak. must start essay tommorow. im beginning to sense pangs of worry. uhuk uhuk. full lib-dwelling day tommorow, much to my disdain.
anyhoo i was thinking about the topic of relationships. i realized that i am, or might be, too busy to be in a relationship. at one point i must admit i wanted to be in a serious relationship, but now i suppose i was kidding myself all along. i am not prepared, whether it be in terms of maturity or psychologically or timiing-wise. i dont know if i will ever be but why rush things? why is everyone around me so eager to grow up? why? i am happy, though not usually satisfied with being at the state of my life where i am now. mak's right. i have this herd mentality dragging me around at times. bout time i realize that.
perhaps its about expectations. not of others, but of my own. i havent a clue why, but i already have this vision of how a person ought and might be and somehow i stick to that preconceived perspective. its pathetic at times, and is usually why i remain single for long bouts of time but its a little analogous to doing medicine. it took so much effort to get started, why settle for less? perhaps this is my thought. or perhaps its just my excuse to not having found anyone who could turn my pages. no one. i am that impossible.
i should probably start speaking spanish coherently as of now. no me gusta mucho soy soltero (clearly with wrong grammar) - pero muy the bomb. hahahahaah okay im nutters.
kisses.
<3 <3 <3
12:44
