Sunday, October 15, 2006
im feeling a little see-thru right now. a little over the edge. yesterday's euporia has worn off and as of early this morning, the luck obviously left. and closed the door in my face plak tu.
cik passed away early this morning, around 3pm malaysia time. ayah called me and mak sent me a txt. when i did the tahlil and mentioned her name i almost cried because it became so real. she, a person, is now gone. and when i return, she will be represented with a headstone, and thats the only physical part left by her. she was my aunt. someone's daughter, someone's sister. she just showed me how temporary life is. and that turning twenty is already a blessing because its already so many years Allah has blessed us with.
so im feeling a little blunt. i have an endo test and a spanish assignment on tuesday. two essays handed in wednesday at the latest, and one essay and one dvd watching due friday. i have this sudden realization that perhaps im doing the wrong course. i quote sociology, i enjoy writing, I like art and artsy things and im unmotivated about all the things i used to love about biology and chemistry. i feel like maybe im in the wrong course, or maybe the wrong state of mind despite doing the right course. tak tahu yang mana satu.
im slightly more organized today. im still very very ill prepared for my tests on tuesday but im all organized for it. i know what i have to do, i just need the time to do it. in a way thats a part of me thats a little like adik. i need to know. i need to know what im facing, what im to do. i cannot not know. i want to be sure of where i am or else i get agitated. im not mildly autistic or anything, its a mere quirkiness. id rather just know.
hmm. as of this moment im just feeling overturned. my mood fluctuations are indicatory of only one thing and i believe ekin is so very the right. haha. we all cant be imperfect but lets face it, its the things we dwell on most that makes us focus on becoming better people. i just think it is.
i last here and i linger.
all the things i have
they run
they run right past me
and into my shadows
they lie in my presence
thus absolve in my wake
they are the thing of dreams
of childhood; of to come;
they simmer and self-stir
stressing like sutures,
a startling resemblance
or an uncanny
oft brings a sense of repulsion
of hate
of hurts
of unsatisfies and the unsated.
all but rolled in one
i am myself when i close my eyes
or let waters flow down walls
like dams of red and black
of tears and kept in aches
all etched in clouds on the move
whats wise is whats left of us
after partings and days
we gain
we mourn
then only we live.
haha ekin was right (jgn ko komen psl nie ekin! wakaka) and yet i am here still passive, still comfortable with the sick sad tune that fills my every cell. i am like this, always. would you love me for that?
<3 <3 <3
23:44
