straightjacket and stardust

Friday, October 06, 2006

im sitting here unbearably restless. its four. and im feeling like a tired mess. im not looking forward to the walk home and im wondering what exactly would justify me using the internet for almost two hours. haih. anyhoo, i was just wondering what complexity might berth upon me today.

ayah and mak and adik are already on their way to kedah. when i called, they werent on the train yet.

i feel like screaming. i feel like screaming for reasons i wouldnt add here because that would simply mean admitting to something and admitting to this particular something would potentially result in major problems in the next few years. so i simply must stop at the point where i feel like screaming and yet theres no point there because you cant even hear me.

tonight theres a gig and somehow i feel like a gig might be a refreshing change despite the fact that im leaving for belfast in the morning, and i have two dvds to watch before i return them on monday. i am lost. i am thinking about getting ramblers for next week and i want to ask if i have to do things and im unclear about so many things and im scared and im not prioritizing properly and now i just wanna curl up in a ball and do nothing.

i dont care if i cound weak or vulnerable because there isnt any difference. i personally dont care. yesterday i received a derogatory remark from a person who i personally would rather not associate myself with and all i responded to it was to leave and then give him the finger from behind closed doors. i am chicken and i have this unverniculate ability to want to please just about everyone to the point that i cant even tell the person what scum he is even though hes doing an excellent job at scraping whats left of my self esteem.

i spent some time today looking at the backs of peoples heads. wondering what they're thinking. wondering how they are. i see faces turning away. scared? angry? kereq? malas? i havent a clue. i imagine conversations and reflect on the little things. old songs. said words. bukan susah.

i start the cycical error of overanalyzing things. i do this so often that i now can even predict what will happen. i would simply refuse now, and regret much later. a lesson never learnt. i wont be quieted because im not able to have that kind of control over myself.

i have enough self-deprecating remarks to fill a years worth of insecurities so lets focus on positive points. i am wearing a baju kurung today and i think its a nice baju kurung. and i think it suits me. maybe because of teh purple?

i did pretty well in the tutorial having to discuss the most impossible thing - the roles of weapons and the terrible place in the perspective of essentialism and social constructionism. susah gle. i seem to sense that kate must have said something nice about me coz diane seems to look at me a certain way and listen to me in a way that she doesnt think im stupid. which is excellent because im wearing a traditional costume, a virtual flag of my weirdness and my differences from the locals in my class. hooray fatin.

i can only think of these two positive things. hitherto, i have a family who loves me, a guy halfway across the world who is concerned that im feeling under the weather, a huge white watch that im loving more and more each day, legal ownership of my phone, surviving non-sahur puasa, and im doing allright in a course that would bite arses.

i think im doing just perfect.

<3 <3 <3

16:20