Thursday, October 12, 2006
its half nine and im missing a hospital visit at mater. im missing mandatory class because im tired. i am fucked. too tired too care, and im beginning to feel the early waves of depression. damn. those moments of euphoria and energy after the belfast trip seems to have seeped off me.
as of this exact moment im lying on my bed feeling like crap. i have no clue what to do. i think im overworked. im tired, im lacking in sleep. im underappreciated for most of the things ive done. and worse still i keep thinking im doing things wrong. im always late, i feel incompetent when serving my teams needs and suddenly i have this feeling of ick towards the coach coz hes a lil too cozy for my liking. he likes to hug and squeeze my hand and kiss my cheek and frankly even if its very french im simply sick of it. its ramadhan, fgs.
quite literally sick plak tu. my immune system is suffering ever since belfast and im jeapordizing it more by not taking care of myself. plus the (perhaps) early onset of pms and voila! a concoction only visibly known as depression aka curling up in a ball and disappearing.
i should start by counting my blessings. i have a wonderful hse. nice housemates. loving parents whod have probably forgotten how i sound like since im too busy to ever call (its been at least three weeks). i have najib who has been a source of strength somewhat. ekin who is in essence a stand-in for my parents. i have nice op-art pics waiting to be put up. i have a million other things to be thankful about but ill leave it to that right now.
now the bad part. i feel like i dont want to be an attache anymore. im too tired. i feel that the team underappreciates me. i have the usual same old problem that has been reignited due to faltering inner happiness. i have a million things to do, for starters: (i)call home; (ii)kemas bilik+organize things; (iii)baso kain; (iv)gi tallaght (i.e. god forsaken ntah kat mana ntah to check up on team); (v)tgk dvd for my gahc module; (vi)write 2 (two) essays for gahc tutorial tommorow; (vii)go out for welcoming party tonight; (viii)that msd iftar thing; (ix)dan and co nye plans for movie; (x)be human.
okay, maybe the team doesnt underappreciate me. its probably because they lost that last game that they became a little cold and distant. im am in constant paranoia. yesterday i had a nice chat with cedric s. over how the game went. i realize that hes not quiet but actually biasa je. he just probably feels a little less confident about his english. he understands what i say even if i say it quickly, and he could talk to me as well, only slower and very slightly faltering. he has great ideas and good opinions so i forsee im just being judgemental towards em. heh.
actually im starting to feel nicely towards em plak. like yesterday when we were walking from the bus stop yg gile jauh tu towards the arena, and the long legged cedric c. and francois were walking 10 paces ahead of me, they turned around and smiled and said, "come on, fatin..!" and walked balkwards so i could catch up. they actually called me by my name, which i thought was really sweet. i will start to call em by their names from now on. im just not very confident of the pronunciation but im aware of two main points. (a) Rs are always pronounced with a velar sound, like 'gherh' and (b) Ns are usually silenced.
i cant believe its only 10 am. does seem like there's a whole lotta possibilities for the day. ill probably do a lie-in for another half hour, and then perhaps go to ucd and call home (eh?). i might go watch the game, but only the 4pm one. if only for the one or two nicest lads. i will tell the coach that im unwell and that he shouldnt come near me. i will also attempt to be okay and be strong because im lucky and because im such a pessimist, i fail to see that.
i might buy myself a pair of bright red/blue/purple pointy flats simply because i think i deserve it. ive been eyeing it for ages not and have yet to attempt a purchase. see la how. hehhe.
my birthday is in two days and im so blah i dont even remember. im thinking of throwing a party for friends and perhaps invite my team over. but im waaay to busy (not to mention skint) to plan one. im turning twenty and i have absolutely no clue how to. tengoklah macamana.
right now i shall sit and wait it out. c how i feel in half an hour. i might call home on my birthday. skip all unnecessary activities. most things i believe can wait till tommorow. so hush now and let me sleep for a mo. i want to start my day anew. xoxo.
<3 <3 <3
09:32
