straightjacket and stardust

Friday, October 20, 2006

haha. i dont know what i was thinking. my email inbox today was full of surprises. a lil this, a lil that. but ultimately i realize that i wasn't thinking straight. of course la. isk. of course la. what did i expect? haih. hehe but its nice to know all these things. despite the odds.

i went to an unscheduled screening for my women's studies module and turns out they didn't have the screening due to some miscommunication and that sux coz i rushed to make it at nine and ended up sitting at the foyer till 9.45. hampeh.

hrmmpphhh. im late. i need to be in a lecture in five and so i have to chabuts. ill continue

here---> i am at an all time low right now. it is night time, and im just wasting away. mostly because im exhausted, but a little to do with my psyche in general. im just not in a pleasant state of mind.

right now im trying to adjust my focus. assuming that raya falls on monday. i have tonight. tommorow. sunday. monday is raya. tuesday is spanish test. wednesday is ns midterm and survey discussion thereafter. how raya is incorporated into everyday schedules as though it were just an extra class is apalling. raya lacks lustre on this side of the world. if in malaysia i would have decided berforehand which exact baju raya to put on on first raya. now it all depends on whether im facing lecturers or facing cadavers on 1st Syawal.

so thats a damper to my moods today. feck the week. sungguh sungguh la fecked. im a lil jittery about neuroscience because im just fecked. a lot of worries that lie in my head are just stress induced so allow me to clear my mind a wee bit and ill get back right

here---> i spent the last few minutes shuddering at the thought of one of the stupid things i have done in the past few weeks. it is, from the outside completely irrelevant and nothing to be worried about but essentially i am thinking about it and assimilating the thought so it means a little more to me than it ought to la i guess.

i cant help think and link it to the facts that there are some things in this world that us girls are never meant to do. there are some things nature and society would rebel and refuse if we tried to turn tables and do things a little differently. its just how it is. my feminism lects will indeed be destroyed by my utter ignorance but this is what it is.

and so i did what i thought was appropriate and now i realize it was completely out of context. the response i received wasnt mean or disrespectful, it was actually very polite and reassuring, but nevertheless there is pointed efforts in condemning my actions. in the politest, most discreet way possible. i shudder at the thought. again. what la was i thinking this whole time? i feel so dumb all of a sudden.

thing is, the principles were simple and obvious, and i should have seen it from the start. but as usual i blind myself. i dive into the dramatic side of everything. thinking everything is possible and that imagination and fantasies are not just in one's head but everywhere too.

anyways it was a lesson learnt, though not exactly the hard way. situations are usually rectifiable, as is this particular one. all in all, i haven't made a mistake, just a minor glitch in conduct that i could subjectively cover in my hide of hypocrisy and pretence. jamin boleh.

and one thought flashed through my mind today, of how every time a litle part of my dies inside. a little sliver of difference, almost unnoticed initially, but after being corroded repeatedly i can see how consumed, how scarred that part really is. and someday it will all roll out or i myself would have to expose these scars to a person who wants and deserves to see it. and i wouldnt know how that would be. i have no idea.

its nice to have the words and the subjective and lithic ideas to portray what is in actual fact simple, benign nuggets of thoughts. simple shots of feelings all smoothed out, resected, and cleaned just so i know whats in my head and see em in words. its a wonderful feeling, really. and for as long as i have these then no one can touch me. kot.

goodnight.

xxxx

<3 <3 <3

22:52