Tuesday, October 17, 2006
haha im lengthening my already-long day by spending some exta minutes in the computer lab. haha. as if i need more online time. but at the very least this keeps me smiling and keeps me updated. and it keeps me from lagging behind when it comes to being up-to-date with emails and whatnot.ayah sed something nice in his email about how we are to celebrate raya with ciks departure: i quote: ' I let you know more as we plan for the raya, which will surely have cik's departure behind everyone's mind..............but we are muslims and muslims must carry on in spite of grieve'i thought that was a very nice thought. and words like these dont come very often from ayah so its nice to have had heard (read) them. so carry on in spite of grief. hmm. can that be applied to other things as well? carry on despite of heartache? of loneliness? of stress? of other negativity-tinged feelings? ws just wondering lah. is that what its all about? being able to move on and carry on despite the odds?this is another thing i like about ayahs words. they can be interpreted in so many ways. my family isnt as transparent as most i guess. and in these faltering words, open to so much interpretation that i can get so much from. irregardless of what he meant in the first place.tonight i shall finish two essays, and then watch a dvd of choice (ekin gets to pilih). if ekin wants to sleep ill shoot her coz she slept gle bapak nye lama last night. gle bapak nye lama (comment, please, ekin! haha). hence, tonight is dvd night. tommorow i wanna c krish for the bday card mak pesanned to him, and then i wanna go and get the parcel, and with any luck, manage to cheorograph part of the dance asap. and watch another dvd or do the last essay, whichever i could manage. hahh. feels nice to organize a lil. i dont feel so bad even though its eight and im daedalus because even if the hse had internet im going to spend just as long facing the screen. its true. no point in denying it. in a way its good that the hse doesnt have internet. highly inconvenient, but good.im feeling slightly happy, slightly deranged. i miss mak. i miss home. i feel like having a bath, not a shower. i feel like running on a field, and not on a treadmill. i feel like another vacation. i feel like i want to be in love the way i was in love with azim. not the frou frou kinda love but just that. just so. the kind of love that makes the things around you stop being so important. does that make sense?when i fell in love with azim the world felt like it stopped revolving. if i had met him 5 years later i would probably so have married him haha. no one could touch me or hurt me because i loved someone that much and he loved me back even more. i thing it was in mystic river when one guy says: 'that kind of love doesnt happen twice' and the other guy sez: 'it doesnt happen once most times.' i was talking about that kind of love.haha love love love. so subjective. it hurts. it blinds. when youre in love you see that person in a halo of light. you want that person to know everything and anything. you feel that hurt in your heart even when its something as stupid as him not looking at you when you passed by the cafe after prep etc etc. i remember that hurt. i miss it.haha im not desperately looking for a boyfriend or anything. dont misinterpret my words. i just feel like falling in love again. thats all. tak kesah la biler. haha omigawd this dah menyimpang jauh. i didnt mean to blog on a jiwang subject. harharhar.anyhoo im feeling a lil up now. i just wanna go home and perhaps eat some nasi beriyani. i want to smile. i want to be okay. i know i am. i just want to be.we grieve and we carry on. must remember.
<3 <3 <3
20:25
