Wednesday, September 20, 2006
its a little past noon and already things dont look pretty. sometimes things silent me. sometimes things stress me out till they silence me in the end anyway. sometimes i choose to be silent knowing that the end will stress me. basically im left with a pathetic choice of being absolutely quiet. i havent talked to my parents in a few days and it did strike me how weird it is to go from a lack of any responsibilities whatsoever to an abrupt overload of things to look out for. within days, i had to adjust. not that i didn't know, but i just blinded myself. i don speak and now i don't listen, too. hoho.i spose i have those few reasons to be happy. but there is just so much overlap that these happy bits seem to dissolve before my eyes. once in a blue moon ill have those overjoyous days where nothing seems to go wrong but niggling at the back of my mind would be the idea that the misery will come back real soon. im just ill-prepared, thats all. the fault is mine. me. me. me.im going to survive today second by second, minute by minute, refusing to even bother to think about what might happen. i refuse to even look forward to getting the hse today coz yeah, that could be taken away too, leaving me stressed and thus unhappy. again. i dont want to think about having to get my garda card, or getting files and stuff for my notes, or buying an electric blanket. all in good time.the best description i got recently was by shekeen. she said i was kalut (in a nice, non-offensive way). i think thats exactly what i am. its a bad thing, i guess, but it isnt negative. im just like that. i worry, i analyze, i rush, i think too much and im anal. that constitutes kekalutan. im constantly worried and puzzled and depressed. i dont seek a miracle to change all that but what i do seek is a little sense of sanity. because all any of us can afford is baby steps towards our personal goal.mine's simple. be happy.
<3 <3 <3
12:16
