Monday, September 18, 2006
hmm. i am feeling mellow. a lil daft, a little happy. entahlah. today has been a tremendously busy day. i felt slightly crushed. but ultimately, it has been a positive day. it just proves that above all, things can be okay if not fabulous. hehe. ape la aku merepek ni.
i met up with the ifius people today all the way in tallaght. it was far and i was tired, but in the end i had a great time. im still a little nervous about being in charge of a whole team, but i think ill do okay. oisin arranged for me to be the attache for the iranian basketball team from islamic azad uni. wahkahkah. takuts jugalah. but what the hey. haha we're getting uniforms. omigawd.
suddenly i wished i was less blond. not literally, just behaviorally. i need to be crazy and need to be around crazy people to be able to be happy. but i look at my more well-mannered friends wishing that i was as stable. i was, in a way. waaaaay back in mrsm days though. being less energizerbunny-ish will ensure that i could be more focused in class. gone are the days where i could go out and give a presentation on something i read 3 seconds ago. now im having stagefright. wtf? im just so reactive la lately. i wish there was a way for me to be a little balance. still crazy, but not over the top. a lil more academic-focused. boleh ke?
even if my man broke my heart today. no matter how much pain im in, i will be okay. coz i got a man in my life that can't be replaced. for his love is unconditional, it won't go away. i know im lucky. - a few lines from beyonces like daddy. means much. i know my ayah is identical.
i am in denial. no, im not in denial. im just semi-pissed. i just feel like given the circumstances, i just want to yell and scream at some people. but then i could still talk to em. still act like things are fine. but above all, i am moronic. it's insane. i know why im angry but there isnt much that can be done about it, really.
bottomline is, i realized that i wont stoop as low as to be level to people who think that way. i have never compromised before, so why should i start now? this fact should remain, irregardless about how i feel about a person. i mean, i have hated and stayed away from others for a lot less, and the only reason im hanging on is because of feelings. and because of relations. but in reality im just blinded. truly.
right now, all i wanna do is get a piece of paper and a pen and follow what hanzie has to say coz despite the fact that shes hundreds of miles away, she knows and she cares. she has faith in me. and she makes me feel strong when i am weakened by the very people who i care about. bah. heres to sanity.
hail biatch!
<3 <3 <3
22:47
