straightjacket and stardust

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

dsIsyeittadIdiMsykdilIuWhbyS

im sorry.
i could pretend it was everything else.
i could fake it and live.

do i see the point in that?
no. i don't.
we could almost pretend like evrythings fine when we can both feel that its not.
why run when you can face things?

thing is
this is me
hi
im fatin
i can be very unaproachable
i am extremely emotional
and i hurt easily
i do take certain things for granted
but i am very very aware that i am very very lucky
i have a few principals which i stick to
often to my detriment
i can be a pig.
i am relatively nice but i can be brutal.
thats just a side of me.
i'd rather just say what's in my mind than hide it.
if something goes beyond my principals, then i won't condone it.
hence i speak.
i say thing.
i mean things.
i take responsibility for whatever thats been sed.
i am that way. that is i.
i am i.

my mak never let me have any posters on my wall back home.
not when i was 11. not when i was 17.
hence when i arrive here i have posters and pictures all over my walls.
i was deprived of junk food for a few years in my childhood because of amir's autism and his meds.
hence when my frens speak about various jajans i haven't got a clue.
i don't remember ever having a happy meal. ever.
hence when im here, i get a happy meal everytime i go to mcD.
my parents are so protective of me that as a child i was sheltered from all things bad.painful.
hence now im 19 and i see the good in people. i can't fathom torture. i can't see how people can be rude on purpose. i dont get why people can't just be nice.
and because of that i hurt. and i hurt easily.
strike one.
then strike two.
i've forgiven both of them.
but thats the thing. i just don't forget.

im not pretending to be nice. i never do that.
if i like you, thats because i genuinely do.
if i love you, thats because i genuinely do.
i generally don't say things i don't mean.
unless i was feeling gedik
or under the influence ( by that i mean ben and jerry's, haagen dazs etc)

bottomline is
i just dont like being reminded about how bad things were.
how traumatic everything is.
i can remember it. but u can't remind me.
i know its selfish.
but thats why i am the way i am.
and i am sorry.
truly.
i apologize.
words were never deserved.
like i sed. i do take certain things for granted.
you included.
im sorry.

i've given too many things away.
we can understand.
and then pretend and be blind.
and things could still be beautiful.
think it.

<3 <3 <3

19:14