eiremoi is me, three-quarters of the time.










kaka(not the footballer)
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14 feb 2010
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Boon May for art
mak for strength
insomnia for the time

I called mak today.
Its her birthday
Happy 50th, mak.
Wow.
The big half-century.
When one puts it dat way it does seem really really old, like.
And today as I was talking to ayah.
I told him that I totally
And inevitably
Sucked in my vascular biology paper.
And that I guessed im getting a d for it
And that I’m aiming for 3.10 or 3.20 for my gpa
And ayah went

Oh, so u don’t think you can get a 3.5?

I mean
Wtf, like?
He did say it kindly though.
But its just one of those things you just can’t be nice about
Im in first year medicine
Struggling to do well
And my father wants me to get a first class honours.
This sucks.
When he first said that,
I just laughed it off
And forgot all about it
But now im just mulling it over
I know that mak and ayah are probably both wanting me to give them that hons.
Although mak is ever so kind to be discreet about it
And well
I just think its fecked
I don’t want to be under that kind of pressure
At times I think dat perhaps they have a right to want it
Considering that I am, after all, using their money for my studies
But at the same time I just want to make them understand
That its not an impossibility
That I can give them what they want if they want me to
But I can’t. not this time.
Im not doing finance so don’t compare me with akak.
Everything is different.
Im sure when I get back home they’d realize that I’ve learnt so much in the past year
That nothing has gone to waste
And im just that much closer to getting thet degree.
That scroll.
That title.
But right now im just hurt
I don’t even know why im hurting
Its not even offensive, what ayah said
Its just the fact that they admitted to having expectations when they said they wouldn’t
And the fact that they don’t understand what im going through
I tried so hard to make myself feel satisfied by aiming for what I thought I could
And now I can’t
I have to aim for more.
Maybe im sad because of that
I dunno
Im spoilt stupid
And I seem to be pissed at some obscure reason
But deep down I know its justified
I guess ill just keep trudging on.
At least ill give it a shot. Who knows where a little motivation might take me.
*sigh*
Mak and ayah.
U do know how I love u.