straightjacket and stardust

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Erm
Im looking at memories
Pictures, mostly
And as usual
Thoughts encircle
I know it’s a phase
And that as soon as I could
I would probably laugh it all off
Or perhaps stash it somewhere
As a resolute, distant memory
Something not regrettable
But just a flicker of something significant
In the myriad of long-kept memories
Anyways I looked at the picture
And as much as I hate to admit it
It is like an obsession of sorts
I’ve had another one of these a few months ago
And it takes a lot of effort to get over
Huhu
Perhaps im still not quite over it yet
So back to the picture
It takes a lot of strength to go through such a moment
To be able to address something
That you have no precipitable idea of comprehending
Must less assimilate and masticate
Its just me
Being absolutely non-commital
Being absolutely vague
When inside all I wanted to do was ask. Yell. Wonder.
But all I did was smile.
All I did was engage in small talk.
Patter on little insignificant things.
Not remotely concurring on the reality of the situation.
That I really didn’t get an explanation
For what happened
I didn’t remotely understand what I went through
Much less explaining it to people
Or have people dissecting my life in less than delectable ways
I wasn’t in the mood to abdicate from happiness
Let alone wonder about break-ups
And the slights that precedes
Im not that kind of lady
I was, I have to admit
I was the tantrum throwing
U can’t get away with it
Ur gonna pay for it kinda gurl
But im over that
Im pushing twenty
And im not stupid
Not anymore
When u think about life
And mishaps
What we have left is dignity
So even if the walls cave in on u
Surreptitious words said about u
Shite happens to u
If u sink low enough a level to parallel people who hurt you
Ur going the wrong way
U lose that last thread
That final chance
My conclusion?
I wish I had more time.
And I wished u had more time.
So, yes
Im looking at the picture
And im looking at inevitability

<3 <3 <3

12:11