straightjacket and stardust

Monday, March 20, 2006

Im watching viva la bam
My feet under the duvet that’s not mine
Yet I feel entirely at home
Im sleepy, yes
And somewhat blank
I feel bad as it is
Barging into alia’s house in the wee hours
But for all those quick strides I took from swift hall to leeson street
I felt all I did was what was right
To be completely honest
I feel blank
Blanked
I feel empty
Empty of feelings, not empty empty
Maybe im thinking responsibility
Of how every action you undertake is within ur jurisdiction
Within ur hold
Ur control
I feel somewhat triumphed
Because I knew all along that this was not meant to happen
That it was too right
I wont deny the fact that im sad
And disappointed
But im not distraught
Not bawling my eyes out
Not going insane
Maybe im just disappointed
In myself for the many opportunities I could set right
Whether now or last week
Or last November
Or Sept 2004
Or for any other sacrificial date for that matter
Im disappointed in how people can be so different from what they portray
In hopes they allowed to breed
Hopes they themselves spooned and nurtured and planted
In ideas
And relations
How can one expect me not to be wary?
Be phobic?
Be emotionally detached?
I am what I am because of whats around me
All Freud ever did to me was give me ideas of understanding myself
And how I became what I’ve become
I think sometimes all we have left is dignity
And maturity
Its just about being sensible about the whole thing
Being logical
And I personally cant think of anything to do
Im in self-proclaimed denial
Because my heart tells me one thing
But my mind tells me to type another
I like my dependence on words
Tho I hafta admit its quite discouraging to have to blog at 1 am when ur in someone elses hse
Or at work when im making my 67th cup of latte and seeing no means of internet access
Despite working at an internet café
I hate these stupid mtv programs
People drinking sweat
And putting no-more-tears shampoo neat into open eyes
And waxing their balls
And everyone puking left, right and center
For fuck sakes
This is paid tv
Tolong lah
I dread tomorrow
I dread Belfield
I don’t want to look forward to anything beyond tomorrow afternoon
Simply because im exhausted
Im too weak to plan
I’ve been unwell for three days now
And completely lacking of sleep
Mostly because of the cough
I keep worrying bout infecting alia and min
And amir
And wani
And ali
And just about everyone else I come into contact with
Omigawd
I swear to god
I don ever wanna watch this fuckd up program. Ever.
That song alia played last night keeps playing over and over in my head
I don remember the words
And I only remember part of the melody
And I repeat it over and over
Psl best

<3 <3 <3

18:51