straightjacket and stardust

Monday, March 20, 2006

Im having a roaring headache
Not surprising since its almost 4 am
I am feelingless as usual
Going thru the usual post-traumatic phases
Lols
Im trying to be as calm as I could about how everything is for me today
What with the problem with the gurls
And other issues
And surprisingly enuff im doing okay
Heartbroken, yes
Worried, a lil
But calm and resplendent
In the words of bridget jones, something poise.
Ahaks
Just off the record
The main feeling I feel right now is disappointment
Not because something wonderful did not work out
But disappointment because a person did not turn out the way I thought he would
Well, assumed he would
Not knowing is always a bane
Not knowing and expectations
For the first time in my life
I put things on the line
And it din really turn out well did it
Oh well
Feck the usual clichés and connotations
Anyways in the light of recent events
I am undoubtedly aware
That my blog would be scoured thru and analyzed under the magnifying glasses of many a caring soul
So id have to admit that my blogs of late would be a lil more cryptic (or is it less, now that the gist of the issue is mostly understood?)
And contrived
So my apologies
The character v from v for vendetta is such an eccentric
Gosh
U wanna kiss him and slap him at the same time.
And yeah, kissing a mask?
That’s new
U can’t help but hate that smiling white face
And the hair!
Gawd the hair!!!!
Lols
Anyways I loved that movie because it was artistic
It was beautifully done
Ahaks im due to publish this blog and yet im not done with it
Im having toothing pains due to my bottom right wisdom erupting
And the sorest of sore throats
I had a good talk with a lot of people
People who knew how things were
People who understand me and how I am
Aizat, long, akak, sab, ekin.
Thnx for the smiles. The awkwardness.
The advise and the encouragement.
The truth and the kick ass jokes.
What Id like to surmise in this blog is that
A huge part of being involved in something
Requires responsibility
Courage
And honesty
If one desires to do something in a mature way
That is exactly how one gets to it
Im not berating or telling off or hinting to anyone
Its just one of the many morals I’ve grown to collect for the last few days
There is a dignified way of getting things done.
It is messy.
And it is dangerous.
But ultimately it is the way to go.
There is another way. The easy way out.
Clean. And hopefully, risk free.
Both are the right ways.
There are no wrongs here
But the options u pick are what reflects u
And how u r.
And sometimes I just wish people are a way they are not.
And I apologise
I don know you so I didn’t know better
But whatever happened was stupid
And unnecessary
But im probably so used to shit happening to me dat im not that badly hurt
Im heartbroken
Did I mention that?
Heartbroken because for the first time in my life
I laid myself bare
And gave everything
No one cud possibly guess that I was previously very emotionally detached
Very, very emotionally detached
And when I finally opend up
I got squat (in hanzie’s words, circa 2002)
But like I sed
Shit happens
When everything first evolved
I told ekin that it isn’t real
That things never go my way
So much so that when it does
I don believe it’ll last
Anyways dats enuff ranting and raving for the night
More post-traumatic stress responses for tomorrow
Haha
Trust me to poke fun at an awful experience

<3 <3 <3

20:11